If I could measure my life against the worth of your wisdom, I would indeed be saved from all this pain.
Leading me away as you do upon a merry path, I am apt to forget what I came here for. You are not the cause, and I know that you mean well. You are but the instigator of the charge that leads me else-where when I should be here and present with the life that I know I have.
But I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want to go knowing that I have wronged you in some way. I wish us to be friends. Except I know that will not suffice.
It is a quandary I find myself in.
When did I become so afraid?
When did I stop listening to the voice that kept me still and calm?
I feel a sense of guilt, like I should have made a better decision before. Before I became so entrenched in my own self-doubt.
There are things that happened in the past that bother me still, and I just can’t find the words to express how I feel.
Now you come charging in and upset the balance. You change it all around and turn my little world on its head.
I want to talk to you, but I can’t. I can’t open that door. The flood that waits behind it might just pour in and swallow me whole. And I don’t know if I could take it. Not like before. I strayed and I paid.
“Knit one, pearl one, off with his head!”
You should have seen the crowd cheer when his chin hit the deck and bounced!
But no-one was laughing, not really. I joke about it now, but it really wasn’t funny. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach, turning around my insides like a fucking great serpent!
And you…you just stand there and watch from your distant perch! You can smell my fear, and you act as if nothing touches you, as if it’s all par-for-the-course!
You had me for a moment, I slipped and let my guard down and you leapt on it like a …like a… a rabid dog….ARGH! This is frustrating!!!
YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO… what I’d like to do…
I guess in some ways you’ve opened my eyes, you’ve made me see what I might have been had I not vanished beneath my disguise. But I can’t turn back the clock. No matter how much I want to. It’s just not in me. You understand? Don’t you?
I think of you.
Often you know.
I know you can hear every word I say to myself. I’m not really that bothered, I mean I quite like the thought of it, of not being the only one who is aware of my life, my shit.
I want to talk to you. I want to connect with you. But to torment myself with that?
Why put myself through the gut-wrenching anguish of not being able to have what I crave?
There are facets of me that I think you don’t see. I’d rather you didn’t. There are things that I’ve done, said, that I know would hurt you if you knew. Yet I can’t help wonder if you know anyway, and you just choose to say nothing?
I don’t know… maybe I’ve got you all wrong. Maybe you don’t judge me at all. Maybe you accept all the scary stuff as much as the good and the benevolent. Maybe I’m just too much of an idiot and a coward to admit that I might be wrong; that I’ve been hiding under the wrong palm-tree all this time. That my oath to do good is nothing but an escape, an excuse not to face my demons.
I may have chosen a different path, one where you hadn’t appeared, to sell me your wares. To show me what I’ve been missing out on for all these years. Your face just reminds me that I’m no good at what I do anymore. That any love I had for anything in my life is gone. And it rains down heavily upon me, like the thunderous storm that carries the monsoon.
So go away. Leave me alone.
Uh! Except that’s not what I want! Again you frustrate me! My inability to reconcile myself with all of this, with YOU is stifling!
I want you to be right here, right now so that I can show you what I mean…
And there it is… that feeling of intoxication that I love, that YOU stir within me. You confuse the hell out of me, but I love how you make me feel. Like breathing in the heat of the night after a storm; full of the smells of the damp earth, and the fresh green tang of the trees and plants with their roots dug deep into the ground, clinging to the bare flesh of the land.
I close my eyes and imagine you right there before me, and I’m undone. I can do nothing but submit to you. Not in defeat, but because I want to.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Other Snapshot stories in this series:
Part Two – The Ineffable Mr. Andrews
Part Three – The Incorrigible Mr. Andrews
IshaiyaFreshlySqueezed 
damn…! My ability to speak was left insecure; needing more. I there more to this series on your blog already?
🙂 Thank you for liking this one. If you do a search for Snapshot Stories, you’ll find more on this blog.
wow! This is sublimely awesome!
I’m glad you liked it 🙂
Nice one.
Your understatedness is quite breathtaking… 😉
Ha. Hey, have you ever read Gods Debris?
No, what’s it about?
Oh, good things. Send me an email johnzande@gmail.com and i’ll send you the pdf. It’s short, but i think you’d like it.
done
so who is this illusive mr. andrews? your boyfriend, God?? very cool though, it was a beautifully poetic description of that kind of relationship….liked the ending too..lol
No, not my boyfriend or God for that matter. This is based on a very real person, or at least my interpretation of a real person, and the conversation I imagined them having with themselves based on the very strong energy I was channelling last night. I wrote it down as it came to me in all of about 25-30 minutes. Thank you for liking it though, I like it too. Powerful stuff 😉
when you channel other people, can you choose WHO you channel, or do they just come through at you random like??? and when you dream at night, do you channel accidently, or on purpose, or just dream??? so curious…. 🙂
A bit of both I suppose. I can consciously direct my focus on someone, and I often ‘pick up’ on other people’s energy. My encounter with ‘Mr.Andrews’ was a mix of the both. Dreams are a different kettle of fish altogether, although I would say there is nothing accidental about channelling. But if I dream about someone that I haven’t seen for a very long time, they usually end up getting back in contact with me soon after.
ok…can you channel me, with just my name? and when you are channeling, can you see aura’s too? can you tell if the person is good or bad inside? this is sooo interesting to me. 🙂
Yes I could. Whether a person is good or bad is really a matter of opinion as far as I’m concerned. I see the good in most people, even if their actions leave a lot to be desired. However, sometimes I come across people who are very dark inside and I avoid them at all costs.
see that’s what bothers me, is the darkness. I don’t like it at all! It bothers me a long time…ya know? anyway, I’m glad you’ve come to terms with it, and seem to enjoy it and embrace it, so I wish you all the luck and blessings you can handle. I also will pray angels watch over you! 🙂 hey, can I ask one more question?? what does your first name mean? and is it your birth name, or something you’ve discovered is your real name?
Do you mean the darkness in yourself or in others? Because I see no darkness in you. What I see is depth which is not the same thing. I feel like when I look into you, you’re very high up overlooking a deep valley, it’s night-time and I can actually feel the wind blowing against your face and blowing your hair everywhere. It’s exhilarating and you are perfectly safe. You have no need to worry about what comes up at you from the dark valley, that is where your intuition comes from and it’s a beautiful thing. Your only fear is of letting go, of taking the tethers off your ankles and allowing yourself to jump into that valley and see where it takes you. There is always more about yourself to discover, and you shouldn’t be afraid to explore who you are, whatever shape that takes. It’s all part of you and your experience. 🙂
My name is something that I intuited about 12 years ago, and it’s my spiritual name, or I should say the spiritual name of me and another person who was/is very special to me. It wasn’t until a couple of months ago though that I found out what it meant, apparently it is a Sanskrit name which means ‘Student of Christ’, although Ishaya is generally taken to mean ‘Spiritual teacher’. There is a link to the Ishayas under my profile. It was surprising to find this out 🙂 and in many ways very fitting given the work that I’ve dedicated myself to throughout my life.
You are a lovely turquoise-green by the way. Very serene with a real connection to the divine. I think you find it very easy to contact the divine intuition within you, and you slip in and out of different states, or visions if you like, all the time. Don’t be afraid of your own power. Your energy to me is very fluid, almost weightless, this is why you can switch between states so easily. I think you like to have your feet on the ground, and it’s the fluidity of your energy that disconcerts you sometimes, making you feel as though you have no grip. If you just go with that feeling, you will become used to it and you will find that you have a lot more freedom in many ways.
I hope you don’t mind me telling you all of this here, and I hope I haven’t intruded too much (I can delete it afterwards if you like). I totally respect people’s privacy.
Thank you for your prayers 🙂
first off OMG, I thought so… about your name…because it was so similar to Jeshuah, (commonly called Jesus, lol) at least when I say it out loud, I thought it might be a female version. Not 100% sure, but His name means “YHVH is salvation” or “God is salvation” or something like that.. 🙂 And you do seem like a wonderful spiritually based person.
And thank you about the other stuff, I MUST ask you at WHAT time you were channeling me, because I’m wondering if I was asleep or not??? I dream often of flying, because I also paraglide (when I’m awake)!! I LOVE running off the edge of a mountain and soaring like an eagle for an hour or so….its the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve done a lot! lol
I’m also curious because I really have no fear, most days, and concerning most things in life,
and I am always willing to try something new, as long as it’s not eating bugs or something…lol
I think my problem is more that I’m too lazy to go after it, I really feel like God will bring it to me if He wants me to have it, and I’ve gotten very lazy in my old age….lol I don’t chase nearly hard enough after my dreams….then again, my dreams have changed over the years also. BUT you are dead on in my connection with God. I’ve always thought of Him as my real Father. Ya know, always taking care of me, I talk to Him ALL DAY LONG sometimes, lol, not like on my knees praying a long drawout hallalujah, but about everything. ie…just on friday, as I’m singing to God all the way to work, I notice traffic is getting thick, so I looked up to Dad, and said, better send me some angels today, get me there and back safely Lord, thank you. that’s it. But I was speeding along down a huge hill less than 3 minutes later, doing about 80mph i would guess, lol, following this little sports car in the fast lane, and we come up to this hill, and as we go under the overpass, here comes the police man…..eeeeek…..lol…thank God he pulled the little sports car over, I can’t afford a ticket! lolol I’m so bad. I thanked Him repeatedly, and promptly slowed my butt down. lol you’re also right about me liking being grounded in other things. I’m very down to earth, all the time. I think its more I tend to look down on others for being so materialistic…so unconnected to anything real….
sorry this became a novel… I love talking with you about it.
I’m really glad that most of what I channelled rang true for you. I love it when people leave me nice long comments, feel like I’m having a conversation then, and I love to talk with others!
My question to you is: would you paraglide at night, and if not why not?
Ah, but for the torment of being dragged into love, where would we all be? He is in love, and hates being in love, but there it is. And at the end, he can choose to succumb to it, or to own it, and make it succumb to him. I think he has chosen wisely.
I do wonder who it was whose chin hit the ground and pounced. Our Mr. Andrews certainly didn’t mourn his loss.
Mr.Andrews as I imagined him was a married man, and so his consternation came from knowing that he had cheated before, but knew he wouldn’t get away with it again because his fearsome possessive wife would chop his manhood off! Yet he is not happy with said wife and in love with this virtual girl.
Thank you for reading all three stories by the way, and for commenting 🙂
That explains his torment, certainly.
Love shouldn’t be a torment ever.
I’ve had a few torments, but they turned out not to be love, at the end.
I know what you mean.