I’ve been keeping journals since I was about eleven years old. I would make them my self, back in the days of good old conventional pen and paper. I would stand in front of a mirror and draw a self-portrait in biro, then use that as the front cover of my diary. Always in A5 format as a ream of A4 blank paper would make a fairly substantial book if each leaf were folded in half. I would write poetry, make drawings, report about my daily life, write wish lists, songs and, anything in fact that allowed me to express myself freely, and away from prying eyes. These journals were my safe haven, and as such they were very precious to me at a time of my life that was far from idyllic.
It’s curious to me that I have always written for an audience, even as a child. One of my lifelong dreams has been to be a published author, so for me it made sense I suppose that I should always be writing with an audience in mind, even if, as with my journals my work was intended for my eyes alone. However, when you write for an audience it changes the way you write, for me at least that was the case, because I was aware of the need to communicate my ideas clearly and to be understood. Doing so taught me to write well, if I think about it. It encouraged me to study my own language, and the language of others. I was an avid reader too, usually detective mysteries, and fantasy adventures, lots of reference guides and self-interest books too, about weird and wonderful things. Always I would be seeking answers to the seemingly impossible and the unexplained. My journaling was as much a process of self-exploration, as it was a desire to be participant in a world that extended far beyond the A5 confines of my journal.
I haven’t always been very consistent with the upkeep of my journal, months, even years will pass sometimes before I pen an another entry. Well, that was the case until I began blogging two years ago, and apart from the odd gap here and there, my journaling across the span of my many, many blogs has almost been a daily affair!
These days the A5 paper book and, the fountain pen have been replaced by a laptop with an internet connection, and my profile pic is no longer hand-drawn. But the content is of the same ilk, and I write for a real audience. I am published, even if it is gratuitous, and by that I mean for free.
I’ve never been reluctant to explore big concepts, despite my fear at times of disliking what I discovered. With every question comes an expansion of consciousness and awareness, and that which was tight and uncomfortable finds new room in which to breathe and grow.
One of my major explorations in life has been to do with the subject of restriction, pain, and death. Far from being morbid or morose, for me it has always been about challenging fears, and growing beyond the restrictions that I was born into and grew up with. The following then, is an excerpt taken from a more recent journal of mine dated May 2nd 2013 in which I tackle the subjects of pain and death head on. Some things I feel, are just important to share, not out of any sense of self-aggrandisement, or self-pity on my part, but because I am a scientist at heart with a genuine interest in the way the mind and body work within the construct of reality and the human condition. So I believe that even if what I write inspires just the smallest glimmer of hope and, a new way of looking at things, then it is an invaluable achievement. In a way, I have always been my own test-subject; the objective writer and philosopher working alongside the subjective explorer.
I had a really terrible night last night, suffering a severe arrhythmia episode that hasn’t really abated….My blood pressure and heart-rate have been extremely erratic for the past three weeks now. I have a real heaviness in my chest as if my heart is not functioning properly. It makes me wonder if one of my heart chambers keeps shutting down [a recurrent problem]. I’ve checked my BP and it seems almost normal, even though my heart-rate is quite fast.
As I lay in bed last night trying to focus on calmness in response to my ever tightening chest, I could feel my greater self, my non-physical energy, present almost to the right of me and, a powerful sense of calm that was radiating from it. I glimpsed for a moment how easy it would be just to let go of the intensity of my physical awareness and, continue on outside of the physical body. I felt it was an insight into the moment of passing, or death. No big deal really.
That is, I could feel quite vividly the vitality and integrity of my being outside of my physical form. My awareness of physical perception is a choice, an experience my being chooses to create and participate in.
As much as my physical state was extremely unpleasant and highly uncomfortable, I felt very calm. I wasn’t afraid necessarily, or panicking at all. I was just acutely aware as I am now that I am experiencing a certain level of physical impairment, but that I am still nevertheless quite calm. I was also very aware that I should not indulge in any negative thinking if I could possibly help it, because I knew that it would exacerbate my symptoms.
I was filled with a sense that all would be ok.
I keep seeing an image of a heart with two doors, metal doors to a seemingly mechanical heart, with the left-hand door being locked. So I get the key and unlock it and, for a brief moment the heaviness in my chest lifts and I feel like I can breathe properly again.
In an odd sense, I no longer feel restricted by my body. As if my mind could go anywhere it wanted. What I mean is that I am really quite aware of my non-physical self as being quite independent of my physical body. My focus of awareness has shifted. It’s almost as if my energy body could get up and walk off if it wanted to, without compromising my physical awareness. I understand this totally [from years of reading Seth, amongst other philosophies, and explorations of metaphysics], but I have never been as consciously aware of it as I am at this moment. I usually only experience this sensation during the lucid state between waking and dreaming.
13 thoughts on “The Daily Flannel – The Journalist.”
We make our own paths and if we have invested out mind into unlocking mysteries the Big Question we should not be surprised if our sleep state also provides clues to our place in the cosmos. I have felt semi-conscious moments between deep sleep and wakefulness that lead me to clues what goes on at the back of my thoughts of the day. Relying on Consciousness more than consciousness of the wakeful phase is a safety net you can rely on. Best wishes that you can by thoughts convincingly control the erratic behaviour of BP as and when it happens.
I wish I had more control over my physical symptoms than I do. At times when I am able to let my mind relax, then I find I have more control.
I am ever on the quest to expand my consciousness to allow these other tenets of my over all being to be more accessible during my physical waking state. I believe that this is only one portion of who I am, one view point if you like. You’re right of course that the mind is much more lucid during sleep and dreaming, and often I will get information about things that possibly would elude me during my waking hours. Although, as I said, I think that is just a case of training oneself to be aware of the nuances of life, take them as clues and learn to interpret what they mean.
Thanks for commenting Benny, it’s always nice to hear from you.
Hi sweet Maria I hope you are doing well! I love seeing you! Beautiful!
Hi beautiful lady! How wonderful it is to see you too! I’m good, things are changing, improving finally, though still some way to go yet. I hope all is well with you too. xxx
You know we just keep going on and on and readjusting our sails don’t we? I’m so happy to see you online! XXXX I’ve thought of you several times!
After Earth, one of the worst films ever, had one good moment which seems reflected here in your thoughts: the state of near-perfect awareness of the moment, which is rewarded in removal from the physical restraints.
Yes. And it’s a good feeling too, odd, but good. I wish I could have it more often without experiencing all the physical crap.
Not a film I remember seeing, but then again I’m not good with titles. Stupid considering I’m a bit of a film buff!
Great words and positive energy to carry with me this day. Thank you for sharing.
Having an audience in mind is so important when we create. I feel it helps reign me in when I write so that things don’t get out of control and ultimately nonsensical. But having a real audience is the best.
Recently I’ve been staying at an older home that is fully furnished. There’s a poster on the wall. It says:
The love in your heart wasn’t put there to stay // love isn’t love till you give it away.
Is it cheesy? Yes. Is it a wonderful observation of the need to communicate our thoughts, our ideas, our stories? Totally.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment Matthew. I’m glad you got a positive vibe from this post, despite the subjects that I sometimes write about, my intent is always one of positive affirmation.
As cheesy as the quote on the poster may seem to some, there is truth in that statement. I don’t think that love is something that can be singularly experienced or expressed. There is much to be said for the concept of collective consciousness, with a particular piece I channelled a little while back on the subject of:
You are quite right in saying that we all have a need to communicate our thoughts, ideas and, stories. A drive that I believe is innate and, according to certain studies is already observable in very young infants. We can’t help but share our experiences with others, and if Sidiris is right, then we are doing just that, even if we are seemingly alone and not communicating in physical terms.
Have a blessed day Matthew, thank you too for sharing your thoughts.
You are teaching yourself to be beyond self, a journey that led Siddartha Gautama to become the Buddha.
In a way yes, actually what I’ve been trying to learn is to be aware of my greater, non-physical self, that I have always been, and been a part of.
Wishing you wellness….
Thank you. Likewise…