I really dislike complaining about my health, but it would seem of late that is all I can think about. I don’t know what to do with plights of compassion from others, and sympathy for my ills is certainly not what I want. All those bleeding hearts can go and bleed somewhere else. I would like to understand why I’m always so ill, I mean really understand ‘why’, not accept some educated medical guess that says it’s something to do with my genetic make-up that causes my body not to function in a way that is conducive to a ‘normal’ life. However, I know that I am far from ‘normal’ in most people’s estimations, and perhaps that’s part of it. I have decided that I just don’t fit in, so I don’t, try as I might. I am a product of my beliefs as I keep saying right?

I can’t spout on about my beliefs without accepting some accountability for my overall physical and emotional condition. And I say ‘some’, because I am aware that at this level of conscious awareness I am not privy to the whole picture, so any intel I do get from beyond the fringes of my usual awareness will be limited and highly distorted at best. This is why I channel, because it minimises that distortion. By distracting the ego-centric focus of usual conscious awareness, often by engaging it in mundane tasks, listening to music, writing, doodling etc., then the ‘I’ is allowed to expand to become ‘We’, and more pertinent signals and messages can be heard. Anyway, I digress. I know I have spoken about this before, recently in fact on my main blog, about accountability when it comes to personal health. Indeed when it comes to everything. It caused a stir, and some felt it was their place to put me in my place. More the fool them perhaps.

Truly understanding the deep-seated, but not necessarily buried emotional reasons behind illness, of any kind, is a step in the direction of good health. Although, it’s not necessarily an easy one because it challenges habitual patterns of thought and beliefs that help maintain the view that we have of ourselves and the world around us. It brings our sense of personal integrity into question. The thing I always find myself coming back to however, is if I am in control of the outcomes of my life, based on the metaphysical approach (although I am disliking that term more and more these days), and thus my well-being and state of health, then why do I choose to perpetuate what are potentially fatal symptoms? What purpose does my current state of health serve me?

We are so entrenched in the notion of accountability and blame in this culture, that such a notion would seem scandalous to most of us because to be in control of what happens to you would mean that you didn’t have to experience it in the first place. It’s exactly like being caught with your pants down. But again that too is a product of a way of thinking that divorces us from our environment in a most unsympathetic and sociopathic manner. We are happy accidents, or not, incidental creations of a universe we know nothing about in reality. Our best guess is all we’ve got, but even that could be, and most likely will be proven completely wrong with the passing of time. Hopefully, given a little imagination!

I think the real reason that being responsible for our health and the way we think about our health, is a scandalous concept is because secretly we really do wonder if we are completely responsible, if we are in fact to blame for the world’s ills as well as our own, and that secretly our various conditions and complaints serve us very well, because they prevent us from doing A or B, or actually enable us to do Z. It’s not paranoia by the way, it is the subconscious telling us what we already know. In the way that pain is a signal that something requires our immediate attention, our intuitive understanding tries to cut through the layer of crap that has amounted through years of listening to a bunch of sociopaths who think they know better, and thus tell us important information that could possibly bring resolution to the difficult situations we may find ourselves in.

I admit almost ashamedly that I am first and foremost a scientist in the way that I process information, and require evidence to validate my theories and beliefs, being that I am a social monkey and product of my culture, following the scientific/existentialist approach that is the popular norm around these parts. So, given that everything in life is purely theoretical, then it seems logical to me to go with what I know works, and feels right, and to discard what does not. Makes sense right?

I have come to understand through my years of questioning and research that the beliefs we have are intrinsic to our well-being and general state of health, and also extrinsic in that they automatically affect our direct and indirect experience, like ripples travelling across the surface of a pool of water. But it’s a controversial subject as in most western cultures we are taught from birth that illness happens to us. Yet not everybody falls foul to these external forces over which we are not supposed to have any control, so what’s their deal, what do these people know or do that the rest of us don’t?

Are they simply lucky due to random immunity, or do they have a different attitude at those moments that prevent illness from setting in, as in it doesn’t serve them to have that experience?

I know that Seth/Jane Roberts have a lot to say on the matter of personal and global health within their own work, and it’s very compelling stuff, because what their discussions emphasise above all else is that personal accountability and responsibility is equal across the board. In accepting, or at least entertaining the notion that we create our own realities and thus our states of health with good reason, then any notions of blame are dispelled, and inequality cannot exist. Our survival instinct, we are told requires, indeed forces us to perpetuate a state of inequality and bias in order to maintain good health, yet with its obvious contradiction  it is the biggest lie we have ever been fed. Our ability to survive, going on the Sethian principle lies in our ability to think ourselves alive and well. I would agree.

I don’t pull my punches, least of all with myself, because hiding behind personal fears, in fact always believing the worst as we are taught from birth, is not conducive to a positive or healthy state of mind, or state of anything full stop. It does not create opportunity, nor does it inspire creativity or a sense of nurturing compassion. Challenge me on that one if you like, but it won’t paint you in a good light, nor will you learn anything from it, other than that being negative and defensive is pointless.

It cannot hurt me to ask myself what purpose my symptoms serve me, other than perhaps bruising my ego a little. Jeez, my body hurts enough as it is, anything that can alleviate that on a more permanent basis, or indeed helps me deal with it in a more acceptable way, by way of understanding it better, is better than believing there is nothing I can do about it because the sociopathic medical community tell me that is so.

Apparently, my genetic condition is incurable, and due to a peculiarity of those genetics, currently untreatable through the conventions of medical science. So what I am told is that I have to put up with my symptoms as proprietary medicines have little or not effect on me due to my body’s inability to absorb substances and nutrients in a ‘normal’ and effective way. I have an autonomic nervous system that is unreliable, and either over-produces or under-produces vital hormones that are supposed to regulate good physical and mental functioning, that then translate to erratic signals around my body, particularly my heart. You can imagine the issues that this causes for me. It’s almost amusing in a very dark way.

As I contemplate my overall condition, knowing that I cannot medically change it in any way other than by possibly making it worse through slowly poisoning my body with drugs (if they have any effect at all that is), then my alternatives seem bleak indeed if I err on the side of scientific caution.  I’m in a stalemate. I have little to lose in asking myself what purpose this is serving me if I have created my circumstances on some unseen level. To me at least it is a more productive line of enquiry that may possibly lead to a change in my symptoms, through helping me understand my condition in ways that I possibly haven’t thought of, rather than admitting defeat because I am told I am a helpless victim of circumstance and genetics. My attitude may not be great sometimes, but I still value my life believe it or not.

One person suggested in response to a recent post on this very subject that some people may not wish to continue with their lives and may welcome death. True as that may be, up until that point of departure those people are still here and still very much thinking themselves alive, and that maybe, there’s something of value in that.